There was a time where what you are about to read would have never left the pages of my notebook for fear that I might be called “soft” or some other play on my masculinity that at one point might have inhibited me. I’ve grown up a bit (or at least I like to think) and I feel comfortable enough sharing. I can remember the day I wrote this in Puerto Rico. I was in my room just thinking about why people have such a hard time finding love. Now I’m not just speaking about romantic love which is so easily associated with this topic. I’m talking about love for siblings, neighbors, co-workers and people in general. As corny as it sounds, I believe that it all starts with the person in the mirror just like that famous JFK speech. You cannot find or even begin to seek love from others without loving yourself first…”One In The Same”:

It’s not another you seek but he who weeps

long hours into my solemn night.

You’ve resisted with all your might the internal light

I shine on your shadows of discontent.

You’ve been hell bent and only ‘til you repent

will I free you from the luggage you carry.

So shed your sin by looking within

and re-build the foundation you desire.

A solid structure requires principled bricks and mortar crafted by values.

With honesty in assembly and order thus prevailing, your soul will be ready for a partner.

For without your better whole, you will shun your “better half”

and block the blessing you deserve.

So energy can be preserved but quitting is absurd;

build as I have instructed you thus far.

Do this of your own free will and it will no longer be uphill,

the road you trudge called life.

Develop joy, peace and patience and you will surely be led to love,

for she awaits beyond the gates of self-knowledge.

And the key you shall keep until the day you meet

with open arms and newly found emotions.

Her warm embrace will come with a familiar face,

but never will it be clearer than that day.

Two magnetic souls on intersecting paths,

joined for strength and unselfish commitment.

So clutch your left breast and continue to protect

its hidden treasure concealed by you alone.

And when you unlock the great divide, in her you will be able to confide,

for she will be one in the same.

If I told you that my life is at a cross road it may come off as a little dramatic. Yet, I have been waffling the last few weeks trying to figure out which direction to take. It’s wild because when I run into these subtle moments in life I tend to shut down from the typical activities that have come to characterize me (especially as of late). Instead, I revert to a state of procrastination I call “floundering”. Again, this is nothing dramatic but I have come to be able to recognize these phases coming on like an air controller monitoring the flight of an incoming aircraft.

In two months I will be married and I can’t tell you how excited I am about flipping the page to the next chapter in my life. With that however, comes great anticipation for the unforeseen as well as the carefully thought out. The unforeseen is not the difficulty. The unforeseen is synonymous with the uncontrollable but it is the courage and foresight needed to change the controllable that has me in a state of light gray produced by a hazy mental fog. I am happy with my current job and I feel as though it will continue to provide opportunities to support lifestyle choices in the near future. However, I have a constant fear that I will become complacent again and fail to acknowledge what life has to offer. In other words, I want to have the option of exploring new proficiencies; either using that to enhance my career or develop a better sense of self (in addition to training) that will allow me to explore my heart’s desires.

Translation: My practical self says that I should take the GMAT and apply to MBA School so that I can separate myself form others in the financial services business in hopes that I will be able to attain a professional level that will allow for financial freedom in the long run. My ever present spirit rebukes this thought and challenges me to again do what is not necessarily expected but valued by my heart. This path would lead me to exploring the GRE and MA in English or MFA in Creative Writing options. So that’s where I am right now - firm in knowing that I want to expand my knowledge base by seeking formal graduate training but “floundering” when it comes to which road to take.

Maybe I should say that’s where I was. At this point I’m confident that a decision to pursue my heart’s desire is the best thing for me. I have consulted with myself and others for some time now and I think that this is what is best. I’ve put the GMAT preparation books down and have picked up those for the GRE. My personal reading and writing has been put on hold much to my displeasure as I work on finding a way to integrate my impending study routine. My writing will have to pick up though as I’m not really satisfied with my potential writing submissions for college admission.

If you throw in the fact that I have found a 24hr gym, my days are in an adjustment period until I find a weekly game plan that works best for me. My mind is so analytical that I find it funny when I get like this. It takes me some time to adjust to foreign tasks in my daily routine. But as Gabriel Garcia Marquez said, “the road to lost things is hindered by routine habit”. In order to find the things you are looking for, it is required that you change the way you are currently approaching life.

Switching gears: my sister gave birth to my niece, Adrianna Skye Kenny, yesterday at 11:15 EST. Adrianna weighed a healthy 7lbs 9oz and she left my sister feeling pretty weak after it was all said and done. All is well though and Jeanette is expecting to be home by tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, I will probably have to wait until I am back in Connecticut for Christmas before I can see her in person but I have included pictures for you.

My website will be up and running sooner rather than later so I will keep you posted (yet another thing that fell victim to my “floundering”). In the meantime, I have made some enhancements to my blog. Be sure to subscribe by providing your email address. I think I will be getting away from emailing my post updates so that I know everyone who receives an email actually wants to take the time to read my periodic dribble (not to mention that it gets increasingly harder to send bulk mail on my own).

I’m sure there is plenty more that I’m missing. Whatever it is will have to wait until next time. My goal is to write more this month and I will be sharing as I go. Submission requirements for grad school typically ask for a portion of a manuscript (30pgs), poetry (8-10 pgs), or a few short stories. Whatever I decide to submit I will share with you.

Until then…And I’m gone!