“The interpretation of our reality through patterns not our own, serves only to make us ever more unknown, ever less free, ever more solitary.”

Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I wonder what type of father I will be? I don’t mean to ask this in a vain way as if I am in need of validation from unsuspecting ears. Rather, I mean to ask this in the most rhetorical and introspective way. What type of father will I be? What types of values will I uphold and which will I attempt to pass on to my blood?

Just this week I had an interesting conversation with a friend. We were discussing the definition of a man and less directly the definition of a father. The two of us shared stories that were oddly similar and we did not dismiss this as coincidence. Instead, it may be proof of a shift in values in our generation.

The flint of the conversation that was sparked happened to be a story that I was sharing about having my father in-law in town for Thanksgiving. I mentioned how well we got along and how I felt a bit cheated looking back on my childhood. My father has never been a “handy man” and as a result I never learned how to do certain “fix it” projects around the house. That’s not to say that my father didn’t teach me anything or that I could not learn how to take on some of these projects on my own. However, at one particular moment when I was watching my father in-law confidently walk through the aisles of Lowe’s, I had a rush of feelings and thoughts. Like a gauge I started off at the very low point of excessive pride. As the needle started to turn in my head however, I ended up passing through reflection and landing on the opposite side that I came to recognize as understanding. You see, it would have been easy for me to be stuck on proud while deep inside hiding a feeling of inadequacy. But I chose to apply meaning and digest what I was really feeling.

Here is the result of that reflection. Our generation of men is redefining a number of things in our culture as a result of war, parity with women in the workplace, the disappearance of the “nuclear” family and of course technology and access to information in our digital world. In generations passed it used to be enough to bring home “the bacon” even if the true cost was a family that lacked solidarity. Men were also content with knowing how to build tree forts on the weekends and put up fencing all on their own. These were indeed their contributions to the household. The role of the man was much more clearly defined and it did not cross boundaries. Of course there were exceptions but in general there were accepted and unaccepted behaviors for men.

So it begs the question, what will my contribution be to my household? If I can’t repair holes in the wall or put together my own cabinets, what place will I have? This is a very complicated and difficult question to address. It’s a question I have to believe is not only being asked by me, but others who have passed the quarter century mark and are embarking on the journey into maturity and responsibility (a journey, I might add, that may never end).

Here is the answer:

I will bring the indispensable gift of communication with my child. I will foster a household built on truth, respect and love while not being afraid to express all three as the example. As the “head” of the household I will be flexible enough to know that this is a societal title and not one that I must accept and conform to at the risk of ostracizing my loving wife. For in many ways she is the glue that keeps our soon to be expanded family together.

As a multi talented professional and creative being, I will address the issues of discipline and morale fiber among those I am responsible for raising. Instead of being cloaked in the all knowing, I will not be afraid to try on humility. My self-proclaimed inadequacies as a youth will not be redeemed by my children. Their desires will be mine and their passions will be encouraged and developed without prejudice. Above all else, I will not be afraid to love. My feelings will not be implied or buried between innings at a ball game or while the paint dries on the latest household project. They will be voiced when I feel it appropriate and when others may feel it is not.